The Rural Montana Survival Guide

Living inwards rural Montana is a lot similar existence duct-taped within a fridge box amongst a bear.  It’s dangerous.  However, at that spot are around steps you lot tin post away accept to ensure your survival.  In rural Montana, I mean.  Not the i amongst the comport inwards the box.  That’s likely going to live fatal no affair what.

1.  Learn to tell the departure betwixt unsafe mountain-people too not-as-dangerous mountain-people

Your environs volition live a minefield of crazed-looking individuals who reek of beer-sweat too failure.  Some of them volition live unsafe too around volition only live your beau Safeway patrons.


2.  Already conduct maintain all of the slice of furniture you lot volition ever need  

The people of rural Montana create non seem to grasp the concept of depreciation.  Your local Craigslist too paper classifieds volition live overrun amongst ads for five-hundred-dollar “vintage” mattresses too three-hundred-dollar “handcrafted plywood destination tables.”  Exclamation points volition live used inwards unnecessary amounts.

The bottom trouble is that you lot volition non live able to afford/find furniture. Unless you lot somehow conduct maintain an extensive gun collection that you lot are willing to barter.  Guns are used every bit a form of primitive currency here.  

3.  Beware of garage sales.  They mightiness truly live traps. 

Once you lot realize that Craigslist is useless inwards your area, you lot mightiness live tempted to plow to yard sales too garage sales.  This could essay out to live a bad sentiment too may destination amongst you lot existence enrolled inwards a baptist companionship against your will.  

You volition foremost your solar daytime amongst high hopes.  Maybe you lot desire a futon or a lamp.  Maybe a novel table.  Your search volition eventually atomic number 82 you lot out of town a picayune ways.  There, you’ll run across a large sign nailed amongst role to a telephone pole.  It volition tell “Garage Sale!!!” 

It is non a garage sale.  It is a trap.   

Once you lot conduct maintain ventured within the garage to peruse the shiny, tastefully-arranged merchandise, you lot volition live approached yesteryear an adorable quondam adult woman named Rose.   She’ll tell “There’s to a greater extent than materials inside.  Come on in!”  You volition experience disarmed yesteryear the fact that she appears to live a harmless quondam lady amongst no agenda.  You volition move inwards her identify too start out looking through the items for sale.  She volition come upwards up behind you lot too tell “So what create you lot create for work, Sweetheart?”  You volition experience tempted to tell her that you lot don’t conduct maintain a undertaking yet.  DO NOT DO THIS.  If you lot do, she volition inquire for your telephone let on too you lot volition give it to her because “she has a friend who mightiness demand a babysitter” too you lot are desperate for money.   Immediately later carefully inserting your contact data into her rolodex, she volition nonchalantly inquire “So… conduct maintain you lot enrolled inwards a companionship yet?”  You volition non know what a companionship is.  It won’t matter.  Your soul has exactly been sneak-saved!

(Note:  Rose’s “garage sale” is a year-round event.  Even inwards the depth of winter, she’s at that spot bravely sneak-saving her victims.) 

4.  Don’t exactly live a defensive driver.  Become pure reflexes too agility.  

If you lot experience the demand to move out the security of your abode too teach into an automobile too drive to Super One, live prepared.  It’s going to live similar playing Grand Theft Auto on chaos mode.  And it is going to infuriate you lot because no i volition fifty-fifty notice that they around killed you.  They’ll line out of K-Mart without fifty-fifty looking.  If you lot honk at them, they’ll live all surprised too expect at you lot similar “what the fuck are you lot doing inwards my road?” They recollect they are corking drivers.  This is because they pass most of their fourth dimension driving inwards places where they tin post away immature adult woman the route yesteryear 10 feet too non fifty-fifty notice. 

Allow me to illustrate amongst a diagram:

5.  Hone your dog-monster fighting skills

You volition live attacked yesteryear a dog-monster at around point.  These beasts resemble the average Canis familiaris except they are vicious killing-machines that are non restrained inwards whatever way.

Your best bet for survival is likely to notice a stone that is blunt on i destination for bludgeoning too sudden on the other for stabbing.  You volition demand to create both too it is useful to conduct maintain i manus complimentary to sacrifice every bit a distraction, then having both a stabbing too bludgeoning surface on the same stone is essential.  

If the sentiment of beating/stabbing a monster that slightly resembles a Canis familiaris made you lot experience whatever emotion other than battle-rage, you lot volition non survive.  

6.  Also hone your cow-fighting skills

7.  Also hone your bear-fighting skills

Nevermind.  Bears e’er win.